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kropotkhristian: I think Christianity would be serving its purpose a whole lot better and would have...

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kropotkhristian:

I think Christianity would be serving its purpose a whole lot better and would have a much better reputation if it focused on getting Christians to actually act like Christians rather than trying to convert non-Christians to so-called “Christianity” when Christians don’t even do anything remotely Christian.

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lograh
17 days ago
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bibliogrrl
17 days ago
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Chicago!
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Spinning

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The Shape of Ideas Book | The Shape of Ideas Calendar | Incidental Comics Poster Shop
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bibliogrrl
20 days ago
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Chicago!
lograh
21 days ago
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Existential Ad Agency

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But seriously, I'm pretty sure the taco with the doritos as the shell was a metaphorical representation of our inescapable despair.
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hannahdraper
52 days ago
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Washington, DC
lograh
52 days ago
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popular
52 days ago
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4 public comments
jprodgers
27 days ago
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Perfect
Somerville, MA
brico
51 days ago
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//
Brooklyn, NY
tante
53 days ago
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KierkegAd
Oldenburg/Germany
freeAgent
54 days ago
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So, so good.
Los Angeles, CA

It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers

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Originally published October 20, 2009.

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I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table. That shit is going to look so seasonal. I’m about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker fucker, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables. When my guests come over it’s gonna be like, BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes. Guess what season it is — fucking fall. There’s a nip in the air and my house is full of mutant fucking squash.

I may even throw some multi-colored leaves into the mix, all haphazard like a crisp October breeze just blew through and fucked that shit up. Then I’m going to get to work on making a beautiful fucking gourd necklace for myself. People are going to be like, “Aren’t those gourds straining your neck?” And I’m just going to thread another gourd onto my necklace without breaking their gaze and quietly reply, “It’s fall, fuckfaces. You’re either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you’re not.”

Carving orange pumpkins sounds like a pretty fitting way to ring in the season. You know what else does? Performing an all-gourd reenactment of an episode of Diff’rent Strokes — specifically the one when Arnold and Dudley experience a disturbing brush with sexual molestation. Well, this shit just got real, didn’t it? Felonies and gourds have one very important commonality: they’re both extremely fucking real. Sorry if that’s upsetting, but I’m not doing you any favors by shielding you from this anymore.

The next thing I’m going to do is carve one of the longer gourds into a perfect replica of the Mayflower as a shout-out to our Pilgrim forefathers. Then I’m going to do lines of blow off its hull with a hooker. Why? Because it’s not summer, it’s not winter, and it’s not spring. Grab a calendar and pull your fucking heads out of your asses; it’s fall, fuckers.

Have you ever been in an Italian deli with salamis hanging from their ceiling? Well then you’re going to fucking love my house. Just look where you’re walking or you’ll get KO’d by the gauntlet of misshapen, zucchini-descendant bastards swinging from above. And when you do, you’re going to hear a very loud, very stereotypical Italian laugh coming from me. Consider yourself warned.

For now, all I plan to do is to throw on a flannel shirt, some tattered overalls, and a floppy fucking hat and stand in the middle of a cornfield for a few days. The first crow that tries to land on me is going to get his avian ass bitch-slapped all the way back to summer.

Welcome to autumn, fuckheads!

- - -

Become a patron (Decorative Gourd Tier or above) and read the early drafts of “Decorative Gourds” as well as the email exchanges between Colin and our editor as they prepared the piece for publishing way back in 2009.

- - -

Available in print with
The Best of McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Also available in mug form!

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lograh
56 days ago
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hannahdraper
57 days ago
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Washington, DC
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1 public comment
awilchak
56 days ago
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this is good every time it gets posted
Brooklyn, New York

#1342; In which Principle is stood upon

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In fairness, I suppose, what would we rather they do? Not propose far-reaching legislation at all?

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lograh
64 days ago
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So, Equifax says your data was hacked—now what?

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Enlarge (credit: Michael Nagle/Bloomberg via Getty Images)

Yesterday, the credit reporting agency Equifax revealed that the personal data of 143 million US consumers, as well as "limited personal information for certain UK and Canadian residents," was exposed by an attack exploiting security flaws in the company's website. Social Security numbers, dates of birth, addresses, and some drivers license numbers were all exposed—information which could be used to pose as individuals to gain access to financial accounts, open new ones in their names, or file fraudulent tax returns.

Equifax responded by offering all US citizens a one-year credit monitoring service. But the leaked data could have a much longer lifetime than a year on the black market for identity theft and credit fraud, because the information obtained in the attack is irreplaceable. Unlike relatively disposable data such as credit card information or bank account numbers, the data obtained from Equifax could be held for years before use and still be effective.

So what can affected consumers do? Unfortunately, as things stand, the burden is on you to protect yourself in the long term—and the credit reporting agencies stand to profit from it.

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lograh
71 days ago
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